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他会讲笑话的英语

作者:高级段子手发布时间:2019年12月06日 12:19:19分类:英语笑话浏览:97评论:0


导读:
1、

A wealthy matron(主妇,保姆) is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric(古怪的) woman.
Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.
Years later, he retires and truns the business over to his son. ″Dad,″ says the son, ″there‘s something I‘ve got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?″
″Son,″ the father replies, ″I painted the vase.″

一位富婆为拥有一只珍贵的古玩花瓶而深感骄傲,以至于竟要把卧室漆成与花瓶同样的颜色。几名油漆匠试图调出这个底色,但是谁也不能令那位古怪的妇女满意。
最后来了位油漆匠。他非常自信能调出那种颜色。那位富婆对他的成果非常满意,油漆匠于是一举成名。
多年以后,他退休了,生意也交给了儿子。“爸爸,”儿子说:“有件事我得弄清楚,您是怎样使墙的颜色与花瓶配得那么完美的?”
“儿子,”父亲回答说:“我漆了花瓶。”


2、

My two sister and I were all away at various colleges at the same time. One day, after facing one crisis too many and tired of being treated like just another undergraduate, I phoned home for some consolation and understanding of my unique problems.

When my dad answered, I immediately launched into my litany(连祷,冗长故事) of frustrations with college life. As I paused to catch my breath, he said, "O.K., honey...now, first of all, who is this?"

我和两个妹妹同时离开家去不同的大学读书。经历了太多的危机,也厌倦了受到与其他大学生相同的对待之后,有一天我给家里打了个电话,就我独有的问题寻求安慰和理解。

爸爸接起电话后,我立刻开始历数我大学生活中的挫折。当我停下来歇口气时,爸爸说:“好啦,亲爱的...现在,首先告诉我,你是哪一个?”


3、

For the Dog
  The family seated in a restaurant had finished their dinner when Father Called over the waiter.
"My son has left quite a lot of meat on his plate," explained Father, "Could you give me a bag so that I can take it home for the dog?"

  "Gosh, Dad!" exclaimed the excited boy. "Have we got a dog then?"

喂狗
  一家人在饭馆里吃过晚饭,父亲把服务生叫了过来。
  ”先生,什么事?“服务生问。
  ”我儿子的盘子里剩下许多肉,“父亲说,”能给我们一个袋子吗?我把剩下的东西带回去喂狗。“
  ”啊呀,爸爸!“儿子激动地叫喊着。”咱家养狗了吗?“

NOTE
seat vt 使坐下
be seated 坐

call over
v.
点名, 顺序读出


4、

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.
一男子去酒吧,点了一杯啤酒。他喝了一口放下。当他环视酒吧时,发现一只猴子荡下来,在他阻止之前,偷走了啤酒。

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I‘ll play it."
该男子问酒吧招待,这只猴子是谁的。服务员回答说是钢琴手的。男子走到钢琴手面前问:“你知道你的猴子偷了我的啤酒吗?”钢琴手回答说:“没有,但是如果你能哼唱,我会为你演奏的。”


5、

Teacher: "John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
John: "What do you think it is, sir?"
Teacher: "I don‘t think, I KNOW!"
John: "I don‘t think I know either, sir!"‘

老师:“John,动词ring的过去分词是什么?”。
约翰:“你想它是什么呢”?
老师:“我不用想,我知道!”。
约翰:“我想我不知道”。


6、

Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn‘t see the bird, ma‘ am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma‘am, it just resembles your hair. "
Notes:
(1) inform v.告诉
(2) nest n.窝;巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓励
(5) resemble v. 相似;类似
鸟窝与头发
我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。
“是什么鸟呢?”我姐姐问她。
“我没看到鸟儿,老师,只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。
“那么,你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗?”我姐姐鼓励她道。
“哦,老师,就像你的头发一样。” 


7、

A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?"
The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."

一份报纸组织了一场竞赛,为下面的问题征集最佳答案:“如果卢浮宫起了火,而你只能救出一幅画,你将救出哪一幅?”
获奖的答案是:“最接近门口的那一幅。”


8、

"All the kids make fun of me," the boy cried to his mother, "They say I have a big head."

"Don‘t listen to them," his mother comforted him, "You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes."

"Where‘s the shopping bag?"

"I haven‘t got one, use your hat."

“所有的孩子都拿我开玩笑,”小男孩哭着跟妈妈说:“他们说我长了一个大脑袋。”

“别听他们的,”他妈妈安慰说:“你的脑袋长得很漂亮。好了,别哭了,去商店买10磅土豆来。”

“购物袋在哪?”

“我没有购物袋,就用你的帽子吧。”


9、

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
一天,比尔和汤姆去餐馆吃饭。当服务员端上两份牛排时,比尔迅速地为自己拿了比较大的那块。

Tom wasn‘t happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
汤姆对此很不开心:“你什么时候能学会礼貌?”

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
比尔说:“如果让你先拿,你会拿哪个?”

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
汤姆说:“当然是小的那个。”

Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"
比尔:“那你还抱怨什么?小的那个不就是你想要的,不是吗?”


10、

if I Am a Manager
  One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – if I Am a Manager.
  All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.
  “I am waiting for my secretary,” was the boy’s answer.

  如果我是一个经理
  一天课上,老师要同学们以“如果我是一个经理”为题写一篇作文。
  所有的学生都在动笔写了,只有一个男生例外。老师走过去问他为什么不写。
  “我在等我的秘书”。那孩子答道。

  NOTE
  assign vt.分配, 指派 (与to连用)分配
  The monitor was assigned to take notes for the meeting.
  班长被分派作会议记录。


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