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英语高中课前三分钟笑话

作者:高级段子手发布时间:2019年12月06日 12:19:19分类:英语笑话浏览:63评论:0


导读:
1、

A preacher is buying a parrot
Are you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear? asked the preacher.
Oh absolutely. Its a religious parrot, the storekeeper assures him.
Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.
Wonderful! says the preacher, but what happens if you pull both strings?
I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! screeched the parrot.

一个传教士在买鹦鹉
“你确信它不会尖叫,大叫或诅咒别人吗?”传教士问。
“哦,绝对不会。它是一只虔诚的鹦鹉。”店主保证说。
“你看见它腿上的这些细绳了吗?当你拉动右面的这根,它会背诵天主经,当你拉动左面的那根,它会背诵赞美诗”
“太棒了!”传教士说,“但是如果我同时拉动两条绳子,会发生什么呢?”
“我会从树干上掉下去的,你这个笨蛋!”鹦鹉尖声说道。


2、

he first tomato has no answer, the second tomato asked again. The tomato has no answer, so the second tomato asked again. The first tomato finally turned slowly, said: "we are not tomatoes? We can talk?"

两颗番茄去逛街,第一颗番茄突然走得很快,第二颗番茄就问:“我们要去哪里?” 第一颗番茄没有回答,第二颗番茄又问了一次。 第一颗番茄还没回答,所以第二颗番茄又问了一次。 第一颗番茄终于慢慢转头说:“我们不是番茄吗?我们会说话吗?”


3、

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. 
一个人给一家他计划在假期里停留的小旅馆写了封信,“我非常希望带着我的狗,

He is well-groomed and very well behaved. 
它很干净很有教养,

Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
你能允许它和我睡一间屋子吗?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I‘ve been operating this hotel for many years.
旅馆主人立即回了封信,“我经营旅馆很多年了,

In all that time, I‘ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
狗从没偷过毛巾,床单, 餐具,或者墙上的画。

I‘ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.
我也从没有在半夜因为狗喝醉胡闹而赶走它,

And I‘ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. 
狗也从不不付帐就跑掉。

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. 
实际上我们非常欢迎您的狗来我们旅馆

And, if your dog will vouch for you,
如果它为您担保

you‘re welcome to stay here, too."
也欢迎您来。


4、

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

我和一个朋友在快餐店排队订餐

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

那里很醒目地写着,不接受超过20美元的大钞(请自备零钱)。

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, 

我们前边的一个女士指着这个牌子对我们说:

"Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn‘t be eating here."

“上帝保佑,如果我身上有超过20美元的话,我一定不会在这儿吃饭!”


5、

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.
Here is the situation, she said. A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can‘t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?
A girl raised her hand and asked, to draw out all of his savings?

小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子:有这样一种情况,一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼,突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。
他的妻子听到了他的喊声,知道他并不会游泳,所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么? 一个女生举手答道,是不是去取他的存款?


6、

The Looney Bin
  Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院)one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”Another one said, "How do you know?"
  The first inmate said, "God told me!"
  Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

  疯人院
  一天晚上,在疯人院里,一个病人说:“我是拿破仑!”另一个说:“你怎么知道?”第一个人说:“上帝对我说的!”一会儿,一个声音从另一个房间传来:“我没说!”

  Notes:
  (1)Looney (俚语)疯子
  (2)inmate (n.同住者, 同室者(特指在医院、监狱))
  (3)insane asylum (疯人院)


7、

"Ten steps from the porch(门廊) and twenty steps from the rose bushes," growled Bluebeard in Jimmy‘s dream one night. "There be treasure there! Aawrgh."
So the next day Jimmy began to dig. He dug until the hole was deep and the dirt pile was high.
He kept digging. The hole got deeper and the dirt pile got higher.
He dug until the hole was deepest and the dirt pile was at its highest. He sighed. "I‘m too tired. I can‘t dig anymore." Then he spied something... but it was only one of Woofy‘s bones. Instead of treasure, all Jimmy had was a dog bone, a hole, and a big pile of dirt to fill it in with. He thought "That pirate lied to me!"
But when Jimmy‘s mother saw what he had done, she clasped(紧抱,扣紧) her hands and smiled a smile from here to Sunday. "Oh, thank you, Jimmy. I always wanted a rhododendron(杜鹃) bush planted just there. Here‘s $5.00 for digging that hole." 


8、

Compare other things?比一下其他?
Son: Mom, John has a pair of shoes with Gordon’s name signed.
Mom: You just care about this? Haven’t you compared other things?
Son: Yes, his mother is prettier than you.

儿子:妈妈,John有双乔丹签名的球鞋。
妈妈:你只关心这个吗?不会比一下其它东西?
儿子:有啊,他妈妈比你漂亮。


9、

Harry was given two apples, a small one and a large one, by his Mum. Share them with your sister, she said.
So Harry gave the small one to his little sister and started touching into the large one.
Cor! said his sister, If Mum had given them to me I‘d have given you the large one and had the small one myself.
Well, said Harry, that‘s what you‘ve got, so what are you worrying about?

妈妈给了哈里两个苹果,一个大一点,另一个小点儿。跟妹妹分着吃。妈妈说。
所以,哈里就把小个的给了妹妹,自己开始啃那个大个的。
哼,妹妹说,如果妈妈给了我,我会把大的给你,把小的留给自己的。
对呀,哈里说,你拿到的不就是小的吗?还着什么急呀?


10、

Stopping in an unfamiliar barber shop for a shave, a young playboy took a fancy to the manicure gril and suggested dinner and a show that evening.
the girl demurred," I don‘t think I ought to, I‘m married."
"Why don‘t you ask your husband," the playboy suggested." I‘m sure he wouldn‘t object."
"You can ask him yourself ," the girl srugged." He‘s shaving you."

一位年轻的花花公子在一家不熟悉的理发店里刮胡须,他很喜欢修指甲的女郎,于是提议哪天晚上去吃晚餐和看表演。
女郎犹豫着说:“我觉得我不应该去,我结过婚了。”
“你何不问问你先生,”花花公子建议说:“我确定他不会反对的。”
“你可以自己问他,”女郎耸耸肩道,“他正在替你刮胡须。”


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