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作者:高级段子手发布时间:2019年12月06日 12:19:19分类:英语笑话浏览:63评论:0


A preacher is buying a parrot
Are you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear? asked the preacher.
Oh absolutely. Its a religious parrot, the storekeeper assures him.
Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.
Wonderful! says the preacher, but what happens if you pull both strings?
I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! screeched the parrot.



he first tomato has no answer, the second tomato asked again. The tomato has no answer, so the second tomato asked again. The first tomato finally turned slowly, said: "we are not tomatoes? We can talk?"

两颗番茄去逛街,第一颗番茄突然走得很快,第二颗番茄就问:“我们要去哪里?” 第一颗番茄没有回答,第二颗番茄又问了一次。 第一颗番茄还没回答,所以第二颗番茄又问了一次。 第一颗番茄终于慢慢转头说:“我们不是番茄吗?我们会说话吗?”


A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. 

He is well-groomed and very well behaved. 

Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I‘ve been operating this hotel for many years.

In all that time, I‘ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
狗从没偷过毛巾,床单, 餐具,或者墙上的画。

I‘ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.

And I‘ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. 

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. 

And, if your dog will vouch for you,

you‘re welcome to stay here, too."


A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.


There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."


The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, 


"Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn‘t be eating here."



A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.
Here is the situation, she said. A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can‘t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?
A girl raised her hand and asked, to draw out all of his savings?

他的妻子听到了他的喊声,知道他并不会游泳,所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么? 一个女生举手答道,是不是去取他的存款?


The Looney Bin
  Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院)one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”Another one said, "How do you know?"
  The first inmate said, "God told me!"
  Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"


  (1)Looney (俚语)疯子
  (2)inmate (n.同住者, 同室者(特指在医院、监狱))
  (3)insane asylum (疯人院)


"Ten steps from the porch(门廊) and twenty steps from the rose bushes," growled Bluebeard in Jimmy‘s dream one night. "There be treasure there! Aawrgh."
So the next day Jimmy began to dig. He dug until the hole was deep and the dirt pile was high.
He kept digging. The hole got deeper and the dirt pile got higher.
He dug until the hole was deepest and the dirt pile was at its highest. He sighed. "I‘m too tired. I can‘t dig anymore." Then he spied something... but it was only one of Woofy‘s bones. Instead of treasure, all Jimmy had was a dog bone, a hole, and a big pile of dirt to fill it in with. He thought "That pirate lied to me!"
But when Jimmy‘s mother saw what he had done, she clasped(紧抱,扣紧) her hands and smiled a smile from here to Sunday. "Oh, thank you, Jimmy. I always wanted a rhododendron(杜鹃) bush planted just there. Here‘s $5.00 for digging that hole." 


Compare other things?比一下其他?
Son: Mom, John has a pair of shoes with Gordon’s name signed.
Mom: You just care about this? Haven’t you compared other things?
Son: Yes, his mother is prettier than you.



Harry was given two apples, a small one and a large one, by his Mum. Share them with your sister, she said.
So Harry gave the small one to his little sister and started touching into the large one.
Cor! said his sister, If Mum had given them to me I‘d have given you the large one and had the small one myself.
Well, said Harry, that‘s what you‘ve got, so what are you worrying about?



Stopping in an unfamiliar barber shop for a shave, a young playboy took a fancy to the manicure gril and suggested dinner and a show that evening.
the girl demurred," I don‘t think I ought to, I‘m married."
"Why don‘t you ask your husband," the playboy suggested." I‘m sure he wouldn‘t object."
"You can ask him yourself ," the girl srugged." He‘s shaving you."



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