The great painter was asked, one day to paint a picture of Pharaoh crossing the Red Sea. A little while after the picture had been commenced, a hitch（故障） arose over the fee, and Hogarth found that he would have to complete the commission for about half the sum he expected. When the work was completed, the patron（赞助人，主顾） was asked to come and inspect it. As a matter of fact, the picture was just one daub（涂抹，涂料） of brilliant red.What‘s this? exclaimed the purchaser. I asked for the Red Sea, on the occasion of the celebrated passage.That‘s it, replied Hogarth.But, where are the Israelites?They are all gone over.Where are the Egyptians?They‘re all drowned.
At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his highschool alma mater（母校，校歌） . One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal.
I sure was! answered the host. He‘s the biggest jerk I‘ve ever met. Did you know him too?
Sort of, replied the guest. My mother married him last Saturday.
Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream last night that I‘d passed today‘s exam."
"Don‘t trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." Mother replied.
"Then I do hope I‘ll fail the other subjects in my dream tonight," Tom said.
After being with her all evening, the man couldn‘t take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn‘t, mine would have had to!"
Mrs. Flinders decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."
"But you‘re not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Flinders." It‘s in case I should die before my husband. I‘m sure he‘d remarry right away, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
6、Gravely ill, a man went to the doctor with his wife. After the examination the physician motioned for the wife to meet him in the hallway.一个人得了重病，妻子伴随他去看医生。检查过后，医生示意病人的妻子到走廊见他。"Your husband is very sick, " the doctor said, "but there are three things you can do to ensure his survival. First, fix him three healthful, delicious meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment , and don‘t complain about anything. Finally, make passionate love to him every day.“你丈夫病得很重，”医生说，“但有三件事可保住他的性命。第一，一日三餐，要营养美味。第二，给他一个轻松的环境，不要抱怨。第三，每天都对他倾注炽热的爱。”On the drive home the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"在驱车回家的路上，丈夫问道：“医生说了什么？”"I‘m sorry, " she said, "but you‘re not going to make it.“很遗憾，“你活不成了。”
(1) gravely adv.特别严重地
(2) physician n.医生
(3) motion v.以动作或手示意
(4) ensure v.保证
(5) survival n.生存
(6) stress-free adj.没有压力的
I was making rolls and, needing a warm place for the dough to rise, put the bowl in a heating pad. Then I left the house on an errand（使命，差事） . When I came back, I found this note from my son: "Dear Mom, I hope your bread gets better."
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. The child said, "Mommy can‘t come to the phone right now. She‘s hitting the bottle."
The school of agriculture‘s dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.
"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.
"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the impressed dean.
"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it.
农校的招生办主任在面试一个上线的学生，“你为何要选择这个职业？”他问。 “我梦想以经营农场来赚一百万元，就像我父亲一样。”这个学生回答说。 “你父亲经营农场赚了一百万元？”主任惊诧地问道。
Teacher: If I cut a beefsteak in half and then cut the half in half, what do I get?
Teacher: And then if I cut it twice again?
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