A shoplifter（商店扒手） was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from a jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don‘t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook（骗子，坏蛋） looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend."
Talking on the Telephone
Each Sunday the minister called the children to the front of the church while he told them a story. Once he brought a telephone to better illustrate the idea of prayer.
"You talk to people on the telephone and don‘t see them on the other end of the line, right?" he began.
The children nodded yes. "Well, talking to God is like talking on the telephone. He‘s on the other end, but you can‘t see him. He is listening though."
Just then a little boy piped up and asked, "What‘s his number?"
Teacher: "John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
John: "What do you think it is, sir?"
Teacher: "I don‘t think, I KNOW!"
John: "I don‘t think I know either, sir!"‘
Gerald, asked the teacher, what is the shape of the earth?
It‘s round, answered Gerald.
How do you know it‘s round? continued the teacher.
All right, it‘s square then, he replied, I really don‘t feel like getting into an argument about it!
Compare other things？比一下其他？
Son: Mom, John has a pair of shoes with Gordon’s name signed.
Mom: You just care about this? Haven’t you compared other things?
Son: Yes, his mother is prettier than you.
Little brother: I saw you kiss my elder sister, and if you don‘t give me a nickel I‘ll tell my father.Sister‘s boyfriend: No, don‘t do that. Here‘s a nickel.Little brother: That makes a buck and a quarter I‘ve made this month.
Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger.
Will said, "Well, you know the Pacific Ocean ? My father‘s the one who dug the hole for it."
Bill wasn‘t impressed, "Well, that‘s nothing. You know the Dead Sea ? My father‘s the one who killed it!"
Seth Smith was reckoned the laziest man in town． Sotired had the authorities become of contributing to his supportthat they decided to consign him to a living tomb． Accordinglyhe was prepared for burial． The hearse was an old ramshacklecountry wagon． As the strange cortege moved along some old residentasked，“Who is it？” “Why，Seth Smith， who is too lazy to get anything to liveon， so we are going to bury him alive．” “I‘ll give him a bushel of corn，” said one．“And I will，”said another． Slowly raising his head， Seth asked：“Is the corn shelled，neighbor？” “No，you must do that yourself．” Gently replacing his head， he said：“ Drive on， boys，drive on．”
塞思·史密斯被公认为镇上头号懒人。长官们实在懒得再供养他，便决定把他送进一个天然坟墓里去。于是他被准备着去埋葬，灵车是一辆摇摇晃晃的乡下旧马车。正当这列奇怪的送葬队伍在行进时，一些老街坊问道：“这是谁啊？”“唉，塞思·史密斯，他懒得没法活了，我们这就去把他活埋。”“我来给他一蒲式耳谷子吧，”一个人说。“我也给，”另一个说。 塞思慢慢抬起头来问道：“谷子脱粒了吗，街坊？” “没有，你得自己来。”他缓缓把头放回原处说：“接着走吧，孩子们，接着走吧。”
A very thin man met a very fat man in the hotel lobby.
"From your looks," said the fat man, "there might have been a famine."
"Yes," was the reply, "and from your looks, you might have caused it."
"All the kids make fun of me," the boy cried to his mother, "They say I have a big head."
"Don‘t listen to them," his mother comforted him, "You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes."
"Where‘s the shopping bag?"
"I haven‘t got one, use your hat."
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