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英语笑话简短

作者:高级段子手发布时间:2019年12月06日 12:19:19分类:英语笑话浏览:32评论:0


导读:
1、

Do You Know Santa‘s True Profession?
Consider the following:
1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."
2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
3. Santa doesn‘t really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he‘s the one who everybody credits with the work.
4. Santa doesn‘t work a 40-hour week.
5. Santa travels a lot.
Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

圣诞老人的真实职业是什么?
考虑以下几点
1. 你其实从来没见过圣诞老人,你看见的都是他得助手(他得助手真的好多,除了过圣诞节的所有父母外,还有职业“圣诞老人”)
2. 圣诞老人不想退休,就可以一直当他的圣诞老人。
3. 圣诞老人不会做实事,他都是指挥一堆帮手帮他做完所有的事情,但是事情做得好还是不好,功绩和责任都算圣诞老人的。
4. 圣诞老人实行的可不是朝九晚五双休制。
5. 圣诞老人经常旅行
圣诞老人显然是一个高级职员(please, 这世界上还有比他的工作更好的工作吗?)


2、

The Name of a Poet
Our teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today. It works like this, she said. Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poetRobert Burns, for instance. She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns. Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman, a bobby in flames. See? Bobby Burns! I see what you mean, said the class know it all. But how can you tell that it‘s Not Robert Browning?

诗人的名字
我们的老师正在给我们介绍现在某些学校使用的一种新的记忆训练系统。这个系统是这样的,她说,假定你要记住一个诗人的名字,例如,要记住罗伯特·彭斯的名字。她告诉我们把他当作博比·彭斯,让你的脑海里闪现出一个伦敦警察的形象,燃烧着的警察。明白吗?警察燃烧! 我明白你的意思,班上的万事通说,但是你怎么能说那就不是罗伯特·布朗宁呢? 


3、

How do I get the gum out? Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, I‘m meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?

怎么把口香糖取出来呢当空中小姐给乘客们发口香糖的时候,她解释说口香糖有助于他们防止耳鸣。飞机着陆后,一位乘客跑到这位空中小姐面前,说道:“ 我马上就要见到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖从耳朵里面取出来呢?”


4、

The zoo built a special eight-foot-high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo, but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 15 feet, but the kangaroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet, but the kangaroo still escaped. A giraffe asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they‘ll build the fence?"  
"I don‘t know, " said the kangaroo. "Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.

动物园为刚引进的袋鼠建了一个特殊的八英尺高的围墙。但是第二天早上,人们发现这动物在围墙外面蹦跳着。于是围墙高度增加到十五英尺,但袋鼠还是跑了出来。动物园经理甚感恼火,又叫人把围墙高度加到三十英尺,但袋鼠还是逃了出来。一个长颈鹿问袋鼠:“你认为他们会把围墙建到多高?” “我不知道,”袋鼠说,“如果他们继续开着大门,可能要修到一千英尺吧。”


5、

Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream last night that I‘d passed today‘s exam."
"Don‘t trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." Mother replied.
"Then I do hope I‘ll fail the other subjects in my dream tonight," Tom said.

在期末考试之前,汤姆告诉他的母亲:“妈妈,我昨天晚上做了一个梦,梦见我通过了今天的考试。”
“不要相信梦,亲爱的。据说梦中的经历通常与现实相反。”妈妈答道。
“那么,我真希望在今晚的梦中,我的其他功课都不及格。”汤姆说。


6、

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
一天,比尔和汤姆去餐馆吃饭。当服务员端上两份牛排时,比尔迅速地为自己拿了比较大的那块。

Tom wasn‘t happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
汤姆对此很不开心:“你什么时候能学会礼貌?”

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
比尔说:“如果让你先拿,你会拿哪个?”

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
汤姆说:“当然是小的那个。”

Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"
比尔:“那你还抱怨什么?小的那个不就是你想要的,不是吗?”


7、

Things Have Been Okay
A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, Mom, the toast is burned.
You talked! You talked! Shouted his mother. I‘m so happy! But why has it taked this long?
Well, up till now, Said the boy, things have been okay.

一切都正常
一对年轻夫妇有个儿子,已经四岁了,还没有开口说话,他们对此深感焦虑。他们带他去找专家诊治,但医生们总觉得他没有毛病。后来有一天早上吃早餐时,那孩子突然开口了:妈妈,面包烤焦了。
你说话了!你说话了!他母亲叫了起来。我太高兴了!但为什么花了这么长的时间呢?
哦,在这之前,那男孩说,一切都很正常。


8、

A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?"
The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."

一份报纸组织了一场竞赛,为下面的问题征集最佳答案:“如果卢浮宫起了火,而你只能救出一幅画,你将救出哪一幅?”
获奖的答案是:“最接近门口的那一幅。”


9、

One day a man was taunting Alexandre Dumas,the greatFrench novelist,with his ancestry. “Why,” snarled the fellow,“you are a quadroon;yourfather was a mulatto,and your grandfather was a negro.” “Yes,” roared Dumas,“and,if you wish to know‘mygreatgrandfather was a monkey. In fact, my pedigree beganwhere yours terminates.”

有一天,一个人在嘲弄法国大小说家亚历山大·仲马,讥笑他的祖先。 那家伙厉声说:“唔,你是四分之一黑白混血儿,你父亲是黑白混血儿,而你的祖父是个黑人。” “是的,”仲马大声回敬:“还有呢,如果你想知道的话, 我的曾祖父是一只猴子。其实我的血统起始于你的血统终止的地方。”


10、

a young businessman had just started his business, and rented a beautiful office. sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. 一个年轻人刚刚开始做生意,就租了一个漂亮的办公室。一天,他坐在办公室里,看到有一个人在外面

wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and pretended that he had a big deal working. he threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.于是他就装作生意很忙的样子,拿起电话胡吹乱侃,还不停的甩出几个大数字,好像在谈一笔大买卖。

finally, he hung up and asked the visitor. "can i help you?" the man said, "sure. i‘ve come to install the phone."到了最后,他终于挂了电话,问来访的人,“有事儿嘛?”那个人回答,“我是来给你安装电话的。”


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