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英语笑话带音

作者:高级段子手发布时间:2019年12月06日 12:19:19分类:英语笑话浏览:40评论:0


导读:
1、

The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates because every weekend on Visitor’s Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in his cell.

So one Visitor’s Day, the warden called George to his office and said, "I notice you’ve never had any visitors, George." Sympathetic, he put his hand on George’s shoulder. "Tell me, don’t you have any friends or family?"

George replied, "Oh, sure I do, Warden. It’s just that they’re all in here!"

典狱长对狱中一位囚犯深感同情,因为每逢周末的探访日,大多数囚犯都有家人或朋友来访,但是可怜的乔治总是孤伶伶地坐在自己的囚室中。

因此在一个探访日,典狱长把乔治叫到办公室说:“乔治,我注意到从来没有人来探望过你。”他满怀同情地把手放在乔治的肩膀上:“告诉我,你没有任何朋友或家人吗?”

乔治回答:“喔!当然有,典狱长,只不过他们全都在这里面!”


2、

Stopping in an unfamiliar barber shop for a shave, a young playboy took a fancy to the manicure gril and suggested dinner and a show that evening.
the girl demurred," I don‘t think I ought to, I‘m married."
"Why don‘t you ask your husband," the playboy suggested." I‘m sure he wouldn‘t object."
"You can ask him yourself ," the girl srugged." He‘s shaving you."

一位年轻的花花公子在一家不熟悉的理发店里刮胡须,他很喜欢修指甲的女郎,于是提议哪天晚上去吃晚餐和看表演。
女郎犹豫着说:“我觉得我不应该去,我结过婚了。”
“你何不问问你先生,”花花公子建议说:“我确定他不会反对的。”
“你可以自己问他,”女郎耸耸肩道,“他正在替你刮胡须。”


3、

Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a much beloved, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn‘t dare discuss in front of him -- his height. or, should I say, his lack of it.One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!" Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for the one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"

我们的餐厅经理是一位深受大家爱戴,和蔼而又快乐的人。但在他面前有一件事不能提--他的身高。或者,我应该说,他是有点矮!一天,经理怒气冲冲地撞门而入,高声说,“有人拿了我的钱包!”
我和其她大部女招待都没敢吱声,但有人却蹦出一句话:“哪有人能弯腰弯那么低的啊”!


4、

Professor: When is your birthday?
Kid: May 30.
Professor: Which year?
Kid: Every year.

教授:你的生日是什么时候?
孩子:5月30日。
教授:哪一年?
孩子:每年都是。


5、

One stupid guy reads an ad about a vacation cruise that costs only $ 100.After he signs up and pays, the travel agent hits him with a bat, knocks him unconscious and throws him out the back door into the river. Soon another guy comes in, pays his fee and gets the same treatment.  
Fifteen minutes later, as the two are floating down the river together, the first man says, "I wonder if they‘re serving any food on this cruise."   
"I don‘ t know, the second guy replied. "They didn‘t last year."

一愚笨之人读到一则假日巡航游只须花100元的广告。在他签了字付了款后,旅游经纪人用棒猛击了他一下,把他打昏了过去,并把他从后门扔进了河里。不久又来了一个人,付了钱并得到了相同的待遇。 十五分钟后,这两个人一起向河的下游漂去。第一个人说:“不知道他们这次巡航游是否提供食物。” “不知道,”第二个人说道,“去年是没有的。”


6、

Boxing and Running
Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight."
Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box."
Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too."

拳击和赛跑
丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友:“这是一个粗暴的世界,所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。”
朋友:“如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大,健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办?”
丹:“我也会教他怎么样赛跑呢。”

NOTE
come up against 遇到一个对手 against表示相对的相反的


7、

On the way home after watching a ballet performance, the kindergarten teacher asked her students what they thought of it. The smallest girl in the class said she wished the dancers were taller so that they would not have to stand on their toes all the time.

在观看完芭蕾舞表演回家的路上,幼儿园老师问学生的观后感。班上最小的女孩说,她希望舞蹈演员可以长得更高一点儿,那么他们就不用整天踮着脚尖了。


8、

An Absent Minded ProfessorA notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter,the other on the pavement. A pupil meeting him said: “Good evening,professor.How are you? “Well,” answered the professor,“I thought I was all right when I left home,but now I don‘t know what‘s the matter with me.I‘ve been limping for the last half hour.”

有一天,人们看见一个有名的心不在焉的老师在路上走,他的一只脚一直踏在街沟里,另一只脚踩在人行道上。 一个碰见他的学生说: “晚安,老师。您怎么了?” “啊,”这位老师回答说:“我想我离开家的时候还挺好的,可是现在我不知道出了什么毛病。我已经一瘸一拐走了半个小时了。” 


9、

A woman walks up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch(门廊) .

I couldn‘t help noticing how happy you look, she says. What‘s your secret for a long, happy life?

I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never, ever exercise.

Wow, that‘s amazing, says the woman. How old are you?

Twenty-six.

一位女士走向坐在门廊的椅子上摇动的小老头。

我无意中发现,你是多么幸福,那女士说。你幸福而长寿的秘密是什么?

我每天抽三包烟,每周喝一箱威士忌,吃高脂肪食品,而且从来不曾锻炼。

哦,真神奇,女士说。你高寿?

二十六。


10、

When my printer‘s type began to go faint, I called a repair shop where a friendly man told me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the shop charged 50 pounds for such cleanings, he told me, it would be better for me to read the printer‘s directions and try the job myself.
Pleasantly surprised by his words, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it‘s my boss‘s idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to repair things themselves first."

由于我的打印机不能打印出清晰的字来,我就打电话给维修部。电话是一位非常和蔼的男人接的,他说我的打印机也许只是需要清理一下。
他还说,如果让维修部清理的话要交50英镑的清理费,让我最好看看使用手册自己试着清理。
当时我真的被他的话感动了,就问他:“你们老板知道你这样拒绝生意么?”
“事实上,这就是我们老板的主意,”雇员答道:“因为如果我们让用户先自行修理打印机的话就能挣更多的钱。”


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